A "Balanced" TF2 Weapon Generator

Weapon generators are a lot of fun to mess with, but when you start claiming that the generated weapons are balanced, you're just asking for this video to be made.

Weapon generator: http://orteil.dashnet.org/randomgen/?gen=uz37UMe3

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Here's another crazy one that I generated while making the thumbnail.
A new SMG for the Sniper:
Pros:
+90% firing speed while deployed
On hit: apply bleed to target for 11 seconds
On hit: restore 10 health
+45 max health
Cons:
+25% arrow damage vulnerability while deployed
+15% fall damage vulnerability while deployed
-10 max health